i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
