I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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