Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
