Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
A bitchslap is in order.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
