I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize