Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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