I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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