remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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