yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
