i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ttyl tear gas
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
