You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
