Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
