If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
