Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
