After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
