I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
