Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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