He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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