I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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