I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
