Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
