lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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