I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
