So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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