I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
