Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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