Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
