Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
