This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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