I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
