cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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