I will die if light touches me.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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