at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
