Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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