I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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