FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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