who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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