At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
