if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
