i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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