Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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