May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
