My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
