My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
