How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
