I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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