Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
