Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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