i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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