K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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